Answer to Nina about “Compulsive Staring” at Privates
Nina’s OCD behavior, feeling compelled to stare at the private parts of others is not unusual and is an OCD behavior that we have seen before. Nina, you mention your fear that you will be caught by others and be humiliated. I am guessing you also have fears/concerns about what this may mean about you and are concerned is this really OCD or is there some other problem you have. This is OCD. The targets of OCD are often focused on what might be most threatening to us. With the trauma you suffered, your mind creatively has figured out what would be terrible for you — further humiliation and, again, what does this mean about you. Again, I am guessing that you spend an equal amount of time obsessing about being caught, how to control yourself and what does this mean about you. Because I don’t know you, I can only discuss in general terms what exposure and response prevention would look like. Because it is impossible to have the concentration to control where you are staring 24/7, initial treatment would have you staring at private parts on purpose, but trying to do so in a sneaky way so as to not get caught. This gets you out of the control bind. Scripts to accompany the exposure depend upon whether my guesses about your feared consequences are correct or not and your personal history. In general, they would focus on how you would try to cope with being caught in a positive way and not having definite answers to questions about yourself. You’ve mentioned a traumatic experience, this also requires treatment combined with the OCD treatment. I don’t know if you have seen an OCD specialist. You can check with the OC Foundation (www.ocfoundation.org) and their find a therapist part of the website. If you find names that are close to you, you can call the Foundation to find out if they can tell you more about the therapist. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific, but you should know this is a treatable form of OCD. If you have a therapist who is willing , I would provide them with some supervision.
In looking at the responses to this question, the issue of how hard it is to find treatment for OCD is clearly still a major problem. Because of this, I wanted to give a few suggestions of how we treat this problem and some ideas of how to find therapists.
Remember in working with any OCD problem the goal is living with uncertainty and trying to live with the possibility of your worst fears coming true. For the staring problem, there are some questions you won’t find obvious answers to. Why do you stare? The actual reason is because you are trying so hard not to and are constantly concerned about it. There are other related reasons that have to do with learning, but there isn’t space here to go into it. However, as you immediate realize, this doesn’t help you. There is the fear of what will happen to you if you get caught (or remembering embarrassing incidents in which you were caught and fearing it will happen again). Imaginal exposure should focus on this happening and you trying to cope with it. But your big question is how to do behavioral exposure. Obviously blatantly staring at people’s privates will get you into to much trouble and not staring feels impossible. For most sufferers of this, we will have them practice sneaky staring; that is, spending time purposeful time trying to stare, but in a sneaky way so as not to be caught. If this sounds scary, then you can probably make a hierarchy of places to practice, because it is likely that some places are easier than others. This isn’t a complete program obviously, but it may give many of you a start.
Second, it is important to find a therapist experienced in treating OCD — not an easy task. If the therapist doesn’t say that they use exposure and response prevention, they are not an expert. The American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association actually agree that Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is the first line treatment for OCD with medication being an important addition. Unfortunately we have found that it is easier to treat OCD than it is to change the behavior of mental health professionals. If the therapist says they do cognitive behavioral therapy, you need to ask what kind. ERP is a cognitive behavioral therapy, but there are other techniques. You could contact the International OCD Foundation at http://www.ocfoundation.org – they may be aware of some therapists in your area. Finally, if you can’t find an OCD expert, you may be able to find a therapist willing to be supervised by an expert. I hope this supplies some help.
Jonathan- You say blatantly staring will get us into to much trouble?? Funny…there are so many times I have feared getting into trouble almost feared for my life. But not once…I repeat not once has a single person in my life EVER brought this problem up to me. EVER mentioned one single word about it to me. Ever said why are you looking at me like that??? OR WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM or do you need some help why are you looking at me like that?? NO ONE. I find that quite strange and additional evidence that I OBSESSE..that I do have OCD!!!!! HOORAY:)
Serena, I’m glad you raised this point. Among sufferer of staring, there are those like yourself who fear bing confronted and never have been. Treatment is still the same and the uncertainty to work on accepting is coping with what would happen if you were caught. There is another group who actually have stared and been caught. Treatment is very similar, but obviously this does have implications for treatment.
Are you sure they have been confronted I mean actually confronted? Or is it all just drama they build up in there head? Have you asked?
thanks for the advice. i would like to see a therapist so that i could see if i for sure have ocd (im almost certain i do) and get medication. even though staring seems to go against all my feelings, i will try to do it in a sneaky way. i have to say, when i do look on purpose, i seem to be able to make eye contact better afterwards.
How can I get married with OCD and BD? No one will ever want to be with me. Each time I have a crush on a guy, he doesn’t like me. Or at least he doesn’t want to go out with me. I’ll get old and isolated from the world. Although I cope well with my mental health problems, I don’t think someone else will. I want to be loved! I need to be loved! How can I live with that?
Hi! I feel sssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooo wwwwwwelllllllllllll! I don’t do it anymore or only in a sneaky way. My personnality disorder is very low and my Bipolar Disorder is under control. Alleluia!
Hi Dr. Grayson, I spoke with you briefly over the phone because I was inquiring about treatment. I have been diagnosed with OCD..specifically “Compulsive Staring”. You mentioned ERP, what other type of techniques work? I spoke with a therapist who thought that I could have a “tic” instead? She also stated that tics are difficult to treat. Are you familiar with this? Thanks.
Hey Coming Back
Congratulations!!! I’m glad your feeling well. I hope to get there some day. It seems almost unreacheable. You reach out and all you get back is…I can’t help you or I am not accepting new patients and there is a waiting list. I’m not going to even start talking about the cost! It’s no wonder, but unfair, that people are walking around with a mental illness’. Anyway..I read your comment and I had to respond. Good Luck!!!!
Kim, for OCD, ERP is the treatment. If it were a tic, that would be a different treatment; however, I would have to hear more about your symptoms to think that it was a tic and not OCD>
Hey Coming Back!
Congratulations! How did you do? Was it medication? Treatment? Or what?
We would be glad to hear more about it, thank you (SMILE)
I have some medication and I had a therapy.
Well said, Serena. I just connected up with someone else that suffers from this on Facebook, but you words are a great inspiration.
Lol, I also like you possible future conversation starter, haha. Take care of yourself and keep up your good spirits. ^_^
Peace
same problem like nina. i am wandering since five years. used SSRIs TCAs CBT but didn”t get any relief yet.plz suggest something for this irritable disease.
first i want to thank Nina,Dr Grayson and others about sharing and discussing this worst type of obsession.Is there any hope by having psychosurgery like deep brain stimulations(DBS),cingulotomy,etc….
I’m 13, I have this Compusive Staring problem. It stared when I was 11 but one noiced, at the start of this year it began to get worse. My eyes would look at some people’s privates some of he time. By May everyone of my classmates, teachers, family and anyone else who had ever come across me knew. At school they called me perv, pedo, shouted it, look scared, or angry, called me a sket, said I would rape people, one person threatened to beat me up, all this was either behind my back (well, not really, they were near me, just not talking directly TO me) or to my face. It hurt that I was making all those people feel uncomfortable. I skipped a lesson for the first time in my life (I was always thought of as the “goody two shoes” so this mean a LOT) and faked sick just to stay at home. I wouldn’t look both ways when crossing the road just so I wouldn’t have my eyes moving around.
I dropped out because I just couldn’ cope. I contemplated suicide, hurting myself, lucikly I haven’t. Right now I’m at home waiting for my tutor to arrive, I keep my eyes closed when she’s teaching me.
Help?
Even my therapist and psychiatrist whispered about me when they thought I could hear them and one said, “Oh, you’ve got one of THEM next. Be careful.” and when I was walking another said, “Ewww…”
Even though they should know about OCD :/
Once at school a cook told another cook that, “There’s something wrong with her,” and staring telling her about my eye problem and another said, “That’s disgusing.”
Help me guys. I’m life-less.
Oh, just want to add that I’m doing CBT and am on Sertraline (150mg), and that doesn’t help the eyes.
Naomi, I use to think people were talking about me also. I realized most of the time they weren’t talking about me, and I was just worried that they were. It’s not much of a problem as you are making it out to be. I mean, It’s not like you are hurting anyone! I think the reason people may act weird, is not because what you are looking at, but because they can tell you are worried about SOMETHING. You being worried around them makes them worry xD. Just relax and go with the flow. The problem is that you are worrying a bit too much! Just go with the flow and whatever happen, happens, no big deal. Also, never hurt yourself. Life is too short to worry about things like this, and especially too short to hurt yourself. If one day, lasers come shooting out of your eyes and zap people, then you have something to worry about. LOL! Just don’t be worried. If you are happy, other people will be happy around you. Cheer up! Some people have it worse.
OCD is learned and biological. Some have reported help with psychosurgery, but medication and exposure and response prevention (ERP) are still necessary after surgery. Most reputable centers will not do surgery if the sufferer hasn’t been treated with medication and a course of ERP from a reputable center.
Naomi, it is good you are in therapy. You mention that it is cognitive behavioral and this is good, but I just want to add that there are many techniques that are a part of cognitive behavioral therapy and in treating OCD, the main technique used is called exposure and response prevention. This has been agreed upon by almost every OCD expert, the OCD treatment guidelines of the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association and the International OCD Foundation (http://www.ocfoundation.org), so I do hope this is a part of your treatment.
@Jonathon Grayson. I asked my therapist and my CBT does include ERP.
My dose on Sertraline has been upped to 175mg. Told psychiatrist that after 100mg, my body kind of got used to it and it doesn’t seeme to be working. She said otherwise. But I get the feeling that she’s lying…
:/
Wow it is so relieving that i am not the only one who suffers from this. You guys don’t know how many times I have contemplated suicide. Naomi I feel your pain and agony, i have been called all those names you have been including fag, homo, bisexual. Me being a guy i get it if not as much but worse. I no longer have a social life, lost all my friends. I am to ashamed to even make eye contact with my family because i don’t want to look at there private parts. How disgusting is that.
I see that some of you have been living 10-20 years of lives like this, i don’t think i can last another month.
Stay strong and don’t commit suicide. You’re not the only one, knowing that there are others helps me too. Please don’t leave the rest of us here alone.
Oh, my dose of Sertraline is being increased to 200mg.
@Jay: Stay strong and don’t commit suicide. You’re not the only one, knowing that there are others helps me too. Please don’t leave the rest of us here alone.
Oh, my dose of Sertraline is being increased to 200mg.
Hi,
Glad to see many people in the forum are discussing the mental issue which I have been suffering from last 14 years. I thought that as an inferior and never shared with anybody, not even with my parents.Recently I went for a google search and realised there are many in the world with the same problem.
I also would lkie to share another problem I have. along with staring others private parts, I also stare at my own private parts when I am in a crowd or get more anxiety. How do I oversome of staring my own private parts when I am with people. Others think I am giving them signals and I loose the rappo with them . Even I have lost friends with this behavior. I have lost important jobs because of this abnormal behavior. Please guide me what to do in this case. I am in Bangalore, India. Suggest how to control this. Now I am on sizopin-150MG/ day at night.
Thnx, Prasad.
I dont know how could this be possible im 29 and i lived normal
Until this summer when i was talking to my friend wife and couldnt
Stop stairing her breast i didnt return to their house and ever since
I cant stop stairing at people private including my own family (this is
What disturb me the most) i avoid all my friend a part from few who i
Hope are understanding or will understand that i wasnt allways like this
It has been 7 months now and my family and my close friend have noticed
but none of them confronted me or asked me what is wrong.
If this is OCD then im in trouble for the rest of my life
@Naomi, has your meds helped?
@Jay: Simply put, no. Not well *enough*. I have Social Phobia and the Sertraline has just fogged out me caring too much about what people think. OCD-wise, no. The pysical are certainly less severe but my fear of staring is completely rational so I don’t think it can be “corrected” by medicine. CBT hasn’t worked out for me, either, since we do “experiments” to see if people notice me staring which in other types of OCD are supposed to prove the obsessions won’t come true but the staring thing, well I’m homeschooled because people threatended me at school and the fact that they felt the need to do so, that they were actually scared of me makes me sick to the core. I’m pretty sure that “sket, skank, slut, bitch, eeew, I’m going to beat you up”, whispered and glares of hate ARE NOT “all in my head”. My own therapist and psychiatrist bitched about me behind my back.
But I’m going to keep trying. Everyone keep writing on this site because maybe someone will find a cure that properly works! I’m NOT giving up because with this many people there is NO WAY at least one of us won’t find a cure. <3
I meant to say, “the pysichal symptoms like trembling are not as severe…”
I’d like to chat with someone online who has this problem like me. Does anyone have Skype or MSN or anything that would want to talk also?
Oh my, there’s a community of people. I thought I was the only one…. I have a problem with staring too. I have lost jobs, friends, relationships, opportunities, career moves, even family members want nothing to do with me because of this. Mine started in 2004. It escalated in 2008, I have learned to try to control it now, but I have lost so much because of it. I partly know where mine stems from, but I wish it would just go away. I stare at both men and women directly when I speak to them. THANK GOD I DON’T ACT OUT WITH CHILDREN, ONLY ADULTS!!!!I don’t get any sexual pleasure from it because I never use to speak to people like that before. I have been searching all these years for people like me. I honestly thought I was the only one. Is there a group for us?
wow. I have the same problem for over 20 years. I did not realize there were others. I thought not many had my symptoms. All I can say it is very embarrassing and I hate it. There is never a moment that it brings me joy. I feel like someone is controlling my own body. I fear of looking at people in the face. It has affected me in the work place. I do get ridiculed a lot. If they only knew that it is not what it seems. It even happens with my own family members. how awful. I guess my brain picked the most offensive with me and I know in my heart with clarity that it is my brain. But I still get frustrated because I want it to stop. I am going to find me an OCD dr. I did meet you before and see that you truly want to help OCD victims. , but was so scared to look directly at privates because I myself find it offensive. so weird this disorder.
@Arlene
Yes there are groups, this one in particular is very good: www(dot)facebook(dot)com/groups/OCDstarring/
Replace the (dot)s with an actual “.” I tried to post before but for some reason the post didn’t display. Hope this helps.
Naomi, I just signed up for the group. I looking forward to meeting people just like me. Thank you.
i am improving by taking fluoxamine 200mg and ERP
i am improving by taking fluoxamine 200mg and ERP
hi
now i m terminating my CBT because of exams.
Thanks for Dr Jonathan Grayson and Nina….We all having this same obsession can be get cured by group therapy(group having same obsession that is staring)as nobody will understand better than ourselves.I am 29yrs old postgraduate doctor(surgeon)suffering from this wierd obsession since four years residing in Pune,Maharashtra,India.I struggled 4 years,read psychiatry from kaplan and sudock,abnomal psychology,behavioral pychology,Freud,Albert Ellis,CNS pharmacology,internet literature and much more;seeked treatment from 5to6 psychiatrists and finally got improved 70-80%(YBOCD score from 32 to 10) by fluvoxamine 200mg and CBT right now.If anybody want to contact me contact on apanym(a)gmail(dot)com Group on facebook here is adress facebook(dot)com/groups/109252475869637/
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